Three Ninja Kittens

Rosemary, Spatchcock, and Hobbes are 9 weeks old. They have plenty of energy and no fears. In between naps they play.

Call it play, but on closer examination it could be a form of apprenticeship. These baby felines are apprentice warriors... and epistemologists.

Earlier in his infant career Hobbes jumped into the toilet bowl on two separate occasions. Twice?? Either terminal stupidity, or, one hopes, an interest in experimentation.

Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679), English philosopher-scientist,  declared that “The cause of all things lies in the diversity of motion.” Geometry rules the World he concluded, anticipating Einstein by 300 years.

The cause of all things lies in the diversity of motion... Hmmm. While Rosemary and Spatchcock race and leap around the room, throwing themselves like demons into combat – which, in Rosemary’s case, is naked violence, no mercy, the tooth in the jugular – Hobbes contemplates behind the cushion, and waits.

Hobbes has figured that motion can be deflected by a slight push in the right direction, and when these Ninjas leap screaming from the other side of the cushion Hobbes bides his time – and, as a flying Rosemary is nanometres from his shoulder, Hobbes shrugs. Rosemary lands on her back, four paws flailing.

The Hoeschlinger Crusher Catapult is a classic feline move invented by the favourite pet of King Johannes of Austria in the 14th century of the Current Era. Hobbes was there and paying attention. One shrug, and if he wished and at any moment, Hobbes could sink his sharpest teeth into Rosemary’s vital organs. But for Hobbes there is not enough artistry in this. With a flick, a roll, a certain nin, Hobbes has Rosemary backwards, her tail in his teeth, his paws dragging her head back into a lethal arc that, when he releases, will splatter Rosemary against the decor.

Thomas Hobbes maintained that life is “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short,” and for many creatures, some humans included, this regrettably continues to be true today.

If these kittens were not playing but fighting for real, their lives would also be “nasty, brutish, and short.” But somehow they have been blessed with the gift of play, and their antics, rather than bloody, are a source of delight and instruction both to themselves and to spectators.

Who will do the housework? Who sweeps up after these conflicts? You have the UN. We have a broom, a cloud of dust, and highly adoptable kittens.

Martin Leadbitter February 2007